Extra! Extra! Extra! Extra! Extra! Read About it!

It appears that the buzz surrounding my upcoming Pulitzer is starting to reach a fevered pitch. Word-On-The-Ground (Another unnamed source.) says there are demonstrations and shop hops being organized in advance of the decision.

I’ve never heard of this happening before and I’m a little concerned for the safety of the Pulitzer Committee and the town. From what I understand, Pulitzerville is a pretty small town, with only one quilt shop and is ill-prepared for this type of public outcry. Having grown up in a small town, I know how quickly a situation like this can get out of control, so I urge each of you to stay calm, no matter what the outcome.

Word-On-The-Ground went on to say that members of the Pulitzer Committee have hired armed bodyguards and are being moved into safe houses until a final decision is made. Word also mentioned that the Committee has been in talks with the Witness Protection folks.

This is a very disturbing turn of events and I am deeply concerned with how this situation is developing. I know there is potential for violence and excessive shopping, but I am urging each and every one of you to stay calm. It’s just a Pulitzer—and as much as I deserve it—no one should have to change their name or buy an unnecessary charm pack or jelly roll because of me.

I have to admit that I’m truly flattered and humbled by this show of support. It’s really amazing that so much could happen in just a few short days. It’s like . . . I’m the center of my universe . . . and anything is possible.

In spite of my concerns for the Pulitzer Committee and the town, I need to finish knocking this story out. There are still more questions that need to be asked—and I’m just the reporter to ask them. Oh . . . and I’m the just reporter to get the answers too!

It appears that the next critical question to be asked and answered is . . .

Where Did It Take Place?

Detailed artist rendering of conversation at scene of news event.

Woo Hoo! Four Ws down and one to go. I can’t believe it. All the pieces are coming together . . . It’s like the story is practically writing itself.

This has to be one of the best investigative reports I’ve ever written. In fact, it’s the only investigative report I’ve written. Each installment has been chock-full of information and overflowing with dynamic, complex and incredibly stunning visuals. Each word a pearl. Each image worth a least 2,ooo words.

I know I might be a little biased, but if I were on the Pulitzer Committee, I’d be giving me that award—wouldn’t you?

I mean seriously . . . Have you ever—I mean EVER—read a piece of investigative journalism like this before? Go ahead, you can tell me.

In your lifetime, have you ever seen a writer methodically follow the 5 Ws to this degree? Oh, . . . you have. Crap. I was really hoping I was the first.

Do you wish that I’d get on to the last question? Really? Aren’t you concerned about the Pulitzer Committee and the citizens of Pulitzerville?

Well, I’m not concerned either—maybe just a little bit—but I can’t stop reporting because of a potential mob scene or the threat of excessive shopping.

NO . . . this report MUST be completed! I’m not gonna rest until you have all the salacious and sordid details.

You wanna know why? Well, I’ll tell you why.

You see, when I became a reporter I took an oath to tell the truth and nuthin but the truth—so help me Mr. Wikipedia. I placed my right hand on my computer monitor and pledged that no matter how far I had to stretch or distort the truth to tell a story—I’d do it. Amen . . . and please pass the pickles.

I think that you will agree that I have kept that pledge and taken it to a level you probably have never seen before. This has been no easy task—I can assure you—but you and the Pulitzer are worth the effort.

As exciting as this story has been so far, there is still a lot more to tell, so I must a grab my notes and see what the next question is.

My notes say that the next question I’m supposed to answer is . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

This concludes Part 5 of my ground-breaking, suspense-filled, hard-hitting and often times nail-biting, fully illustrated investigative report. Stay tuned for more button popping, seam ripping, thread-breaking and needle-dulling details.

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6 Responses to “Extra! Extra! Extra! Extra! Extra! Read About it!”

  1. Mike Kelley Says:

    You are either insane or fabu-lossy intelligent. Or, perhaps, both. Either way, you’re wonderful!

    • Tom Russell Says:

      Hi Mike! What a wonderful surprise to hear from you. I can’t answer your question. I’ve never been tested for insanity or intelligence. Do you have to study before you take the test?

      You’re wonderful too! Thank for dropping in.

  2. Carmen Damico Says:

    And frustrating to read….Puhleeease get to the end and tell us the punch line so we can celebrate!

  3. jayardi Says:

    • • • waiting on pins and needles for the final question… 😉

  4. Tom Russell Says:

    Hi Jayardi, Thanks. I appreciate that, but waiting on pins and needles can be kinda painful. I recommend you waiting on marshmallows and muffins.

    The final question is right around the corner.

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